Suffer the Children

I remember the T-shirts bearing these words from the late 80's and early 90's or thereabout. It was with reference to what apartheid was doing to black children, children in the townships. I borrow the phrase for a different purpose but with a similar reference point: the suffering of children as a consequence of the actions of adults. This time it is not apartheid I seek to blame for the suffering of the children but the conduct of the parents going through divorce and often post divorce.

It is not easy for me to deal with this subject because I don't have the comfort of objective and uninvolved distance of a commentator. I am what my friends (if one can call them that) would refer to as a returnee - I am remarried. I have 3 children from my first marriage. When it comes to divorce I am alas, not an innocent but officious by-stander. I regret to admit that through my actions during and after the divorce my children have suffered. I would like to believe that I have always done what is in their best interest or at least what I believed to be best for them. I continue to do so. I do not wish to make this about me but I owe the reader this background. Divorce is not easy but that is no excuse for the manner in which people who ostensibly loved each other at some point, should conduct themselves. This is not about me or the couple going through divorce, this is about the children.

There is also some morbid fascination with the news of dramatic or maybe it is traumatic break-ups, like people wait for the divorce, hands a-rubbing. So, the newspapers do what newspapers do and report on these dramatic/traumatic break-ups. I kid you not, there is nothing more soul-bending than a messy divorce. How then, can one avoid the mess when one is in it?

It is admittedly hard to be rational about what are primarily matters of the heart. There is also really nowhere to turn because primarily, very few people and institution want to get involved (whatever that means). and when they do get involved, matters hardly ever take a turn for the better. So, what do you do, do you give in to irrationality - trust me there is a lot of it when you are going through a messy divorce.

The formal process is no better. Lawyers get involved. There are lawyers and then there are lawyers. The trauma just gets perpetuated. No one should really care about adults who choose to behave like children. The problem is that children, the real children suffer through this battle of wills. There must be a rational way of dealing with this or am I delusional. On paper, there are good laws and good institutions to apply the good laws. In reality, there are human beings who take positions and whatever else they can lay their hands on. Through all this - suffer the children.

Here is the thing, the two adults have decided rightly or wrongly that they don't want each other anylonger. In fact, the one adult has decided for whatever reason s/he no longer wants the other, in fact there is in all likelyhood another adult s/he would rather be with. Such is the nature of human relations regardless of what you may have read in Matthew chapter 5. When that point has been reached, what is the point really of fighting over anything? In the process one of the two adults gets confirmation why in fact s/he should not be with the other. Emotionally, it does not any simpler than that so, just let go! Otherwise - suffer the children.

There are of course the proprietary issues such as who keeps the mercedes and who will pay the bank for the luxury home. These are technical legal matters that should be resolved as such. Yes, people lie and cheat (they are breaking up for pete's sake). Here you can only rely on the legal representatives to be less unscrupulous than their clients. Remember, s/he has seen you naked (hopefully) over the years, s/he knows things about you that you probably would prefer to keep out of the open. This is probably the time to be truthful about all things. It is time to give yourself the opportunity to really move on. If you fail to do so - suffer the children.

Then, the children. They are the children of parents who no longer want to be within 5 metres of each other. They are still children, they still need love, reassurance, routine and care. They need a place they can call home where all their stuff is, where discipline, love and care reside. Your divorce should never deny them that. They have two parents, good or bad, that is what they have. She is their mother and he is their father - do not stand in the way of that relationship, regardless of what you may think. The only qualification here is the well-being and best interest of the child. No one should be expected to give up their child to an abuser. The alternative - suffer the children.

Your life is your life and you have made your choices. Give the children an opportunity to make theirs.

All this ranting was brought on by a newspaper article of a couple that is going through a messy divorce. They have two children who are caught in the middle of all this. Fair enough, the poor things have in any event been caught in the middle of a love-less, conflict ridden marriage. No matter what we may believe, there is simply no safety-net for the children during a messy divorce. Sadly, the parents or at least one of them, is the children's best hope at this time. We owe it to our children to step up to this responsibility. Failing which - suffer the children.

Our failure to step up - suffer the children. It is you, only you, not your lawyer, your priest, your parents, your accountant - nobody but you who can protect your children and no-one can protect them from you. Or maybe you would rather - suffer the children?