Racial Rage: a belated apology to my wife

This is a difficult post on many levels but moreso because it is personal. I had, when I started this space, hoped for it to be a forum where we (I dreamt of a large following) could as best we can, deal with issues as honestly and openly as possible. These were meant and still are meant to be issues that should not be personalised. I admit now that everything is personal and that without personal responsibility there really would be no point to this and any other social interaction. I often parade myself as a sensible individual who can deal with challenges with calm and common sense. This past Tuesday, that facade crumbled and exposed a part of me that disappointed me greatly.

I took my wife out on a date to go see a play "Closer" at the Market theatre. Although I cannot really afford it and although I deny it everytime my dear wife points it out, I am a snob. I love reserved sitting. I love knowing that I will not have to fight over a place to sit - I hate fighting (at least I believe I do); I was never good at it. Simply put, I am a coward. I have no time nor stomach for confrontation. At least that is what I believe.

There was no reserved sitting for this particular show and that bothered me somewhat. It bothered me because people have proved time and time again to be quite inept when it comes to public places etiquette. I was proved right. The Laager theatre was fairly full by the time we walked in but there were a few rows (they have these long benches on either side of the aisle) with a few open spaces. I chose the wrong row. We were barely into the row, with my wife leading when this seemingly young white woman jumped up from her seat to tell us that the spaces were taken. That simple act spurred me into a rage. A racial rage. At that moment all I saw was yet another white South African appropriating public space! The fact that she stood up and was about to physically stop my wife from getting past her to get to the open space did not help what was already a hopeless situation. Looking back, I should at that point have stopped to consider what it is I was doing. I regret that I did not. The truth, as pointed out by my wife is, she could not have prevented us from taking those seats. I should have kept my mouth shut, my rage in my pocket and proceded to sit down with dignity. Instead I behaved like a moronic cretin when clearly there was not need for it; in retrospect. No, I am not exaggerating.

I have considered an apology to this young lady (using the term loosely). Apart from the fact that I would not even remember what she looks like (you know how white people look alike) or her name - I do not think she would understand my apology. Here is the thing: her friends for whom she insisted the seats are reserved for or taken by, the friends who were just in the toilet and were coming, did finally arrive. After they had taken "their" seats, there was still enought space for at least two more people. Why did she try to stop us two from taking our place on the bench. Eish!

I am still disappointed at how I reacted to her and do apologise to her. She bore the brunt of all those other white people that I experience all the time appropriating public space. This is slippery-slope, thin-edge-of-the-wedge stuff. There are tons of examples out there of black people appropriating public space too. Why don't I see this and if I do see it, why do I not rage at them? Would I have raged at a rugby type guy under the same circumstances? This is hard stuff for me which I hope I get to grips with for myself. Underneath the calm facade bubbles a rage that can't wait to come out everytime a white driver does 60km/h in the fast lane and won't move. Everytime a white parent stops in the middle of the road to let out the kids out of the car at my childrens school. Instead of waiting their turn to park. Everytime they stop in the middle of the shopping isle to chat, blocking my progress.

This is the stuff that each one of us, on a personal responsibility level, have to get rid of, and get rid of fast. These are people who do not understand nor appreciate common courtesy. I ask not to be judged by my blackness. I tell my colleagues that my being late for meetings has nothing to do with my being black and they laugh. I hope that I have learnt my lesson. The next time it happens - trust me it will happen again - I will see a person whose world I would not like to inhabit and move on to find people who share my views about public space. I will quietly and with dignity assert my right to such public space. Maybe then, I will earn the right not to be judged by my blackness (whatever that means). I take personal responsibility for my behaviour and do not excuse it. I am grateful for the poignant albeit unpleasant lesson, especially at this time of the history of our country.

Rage is so ugly - dignity so beautiful - but reserved sitting is even better.